Here’s How Records Give You More of What You Want:

1. They’re Your Best Entertainment Buy. Forget about your relationship with touch-screen baby wipes and bowel movement status updates. The vinyl record is way more entertaining than that new Smart (fill in the blank), and it’s cheaper too. Cheap is good. That means you can finally afford that sticky tattoo-removal procedure so you can forget about that regrettable weekend in Cabo.

2. They Allow Selectivity of Songs and Tracks. Gone are the archaic days of slaving through an entire album’s worth of songs. Feel the need for a quick spin of Obsession by Animotion but don’t want to wade through the dull, 8 filler tracks? With records, you have that option.

3. They’re Convenient and Easy to Handle. They’re not say, as convenient as an automatic fish feeder or adequate plumbing, but records are more accessible than lugging Mott the Hoople around with you everywhere you go.

4. They’re Attractive, Informative and Easy to Store. Forget those overpriced, dysfunctional dating sites. Records are attractive, smart, funny, and they won’t mind if you don’t wash your shirt laundry as often as you probably should.

5. They’ll Give You Hours of Continuous and Uninterrupted Listening Pleasure. Hours? Yes. Uninterrupted? I can think of a few times records may interrupt your listening flow. Like say, when you need to flip the record to play the 2^nd side, perhaps?

6. They’re the Proven Medium. This one is true. I mean, we all know digital files are on their way out. Am I right?!

7. If It’s in Recorded Form, You Know It’ll be Available on Records. Ever get the hankering for the smooth, swinging sound of Richard Nixon and his administration conversing about secret, and often illegal activities? It was recorded, so there should be a record out there somewhere.

8. They Make a Great Gift. Kids love ‘em, old folks love ‘em, and your local grocery store owner’s mistress loves ‘em. They’re like cats. They make a great gift.