Tag Archives: R2-D2

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The Best Worst Christmas Album Ever Produced AKA The Worst Best Christmas Album Ever Produced

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Christmas in the StarsThe odds against Christmas being Christmas

Is 365 to 1

Where to begin… Christmas in the Stars is nothing short of an exhaustive, and thorough disaster. This album makes the destruction of Alderaan look as trivial as spilled blue milk. Released in 1980, this Ishtar-like running gag features Anthony Daniels as C-3PO, a series of random beeps as R2-D2, a full freakin’ orchestra, and of course, John Bongiovi, AKA Jon Bon Jovi on lead vocals, because, you know, nothing says “let’s go save the princess” like Bad Medicine.

Everyone will have a cookie

I brought extra for the Wookie

Christmas CreditsProduced by Meco (yes, THAT Meco), and co-produced by Tony Bongiovi, Jon Bon’s cousin, Christmas in the Stars takes the colorful world of Star Wars (then only two films), coerces it with a shiny piece of candy, and takes it out back to beat it senseless with a pillow case full of D batteries. What Can You Get A Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb?) is not only a genuine track from this album, IT’S ALSO THE SINGLE! Man, would I have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall during these pitch meetings. “Uh, yes Mr. Lucas. Thank you for taking the time to meet with us today. We all loved Empire. Brilliant film. Yes, yes. So, our idea for the Star Wars Christmas album is this… what if we have a series of non-denominational Christmas songs (see the oxymoron there?) narrated by R2 & 3PO? I hear there’s a talented young kid out of New Jersey with a great singing voice, we can get him to do the backing vocals. We could have a full symphony, utilize Ben Burtt’s amazing sound effects, and we can see if Ralph is available to do the cover. The single, are you ready… is titled, What Can You Get A Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?). What do you think, George?” “Green lit. Now, pass me that tube of cookie dough. I’m in pre-production on a 2nd chin.”

The ONLY redeemable feature with regards to Christmas in the Stars is the Ralph McQuarrie painted cover (note how the 1980 Kris Kringle looks an awful lot like a 2013 George Lucas).  Christmas in the Stars is like receiving a pair of socks for Christmas every year from each of your relatives and loved ones. The anticipation far exceeds the end result, but at least your feet will be warm.

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Let’s Begin Now

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Not Cleared for BroadcastDistributed in the height of Star Wars sequel anticipation, this 1979 release of a children’s Read-Along book and record set hosts one of my first vivid memories of playing a record. Thanks to my first, pocket-sized (for very large pockets) turntable, I was able to enjoy an insanely abridged version of my favorite story… a story I had been convinced was the greatest ever told.

Original Motion PictureWhen listening to this little memory-harboring 7″ (with all its pop-filled, skip-tastic glory), I can still picture myself reenacting the drama-soaked adventures with my 3¾” Star Wars action figures and thinking, being a kid is the greatest thing on this, or any galaxy, regardless of placement in time and/or location. (A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… was easily replaced with Just a moment ago in a playroom very, very near…)

The ol’ girl has certainly seen better days, but I wouldn’t trade her for all seats on the Imperial Senate.

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1986: Slippery When Wet

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SlipperyIt’s interesting that mega-glam-rock band, Bon Jovi, would title a major label album after a janitor’s caution sign. Perhaps Jon Bon, ahem,  “lapped a few dirty halls” prior to becoming arguably the biggest rock star in the continental United States.

Jon Bon Jovi has come a long way since his first documented recording, singing lead vocals on R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas on the 1980 Star Wars Christmas album, Christmas in the Stars… I’m not joking. Who knew that only six short years later he’d be slipping and sliding his way to the “hearts” of women across the world.

BackSlipper When Wet shows the band’s rapid maturity in the three short years since their 1984 debut.  Producing three Top 10 hits with this album alone, Livin’ on a Prayer, You Give Love a Bad Name and Wanted Dead or Alive, Jon Bon Jovi (né John Bongiovi) and crew single handedly became the soundtrack to late ’86 and early ’87. The band would see similar success with their follow up album, New Jersey, but 1986 marked Bon Jovi’s breakthrough into mainstream success.

Somewhere, right now, John Bongiovi is sipping an Old Fashioned and looking back at 1986, quite fondly I might add, and saying to himself (or to one of the several women in his room), “You know, it was all right. You know?” It was all right, Mr. Bongiovi. It was all right indeed.Slippery Cars

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1983: Return of the Jedi Read-Along

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VaderThis is the story, of Return of the Jedi. You can read along with me in your book. You will know it is time to turn the page when you hear Artoo-Detoo beep like this, “Boop, beep-beep, boop. BOO-BEW!”

Let’s begin now:

Throughout the early 80s, Star Wars, with its vast world filled with luscious characters, could be found fighting for galactic power in your cereal bowl, your pencil kit, on the laces your shoes, on your back helping to carry your books, on your waist to help keep your pants up, packaged with bubble gum as little cardboard trading cards, and as a beaming Prudent Groove would like to acknowledge, a 24 page read-along with 33 1/3rpm record containing the story, music and photos from the original motion picture, Return of the Jedi. Me as a 4-year-old, “You mean, I can LISTEN to the story and FOLLOW ALONG with my very own book?!” Mind = blown.

Boop, beep-beep, boop. BOO-BEW!

Read-Along ColoredStar Wars was such a massive part of my generation’s childhood that, for me, it’s difficult to see the printed year 1983 and NOT think Return of the Jedi. And thanks to this little read-along-reminder-guy, I can relive the great tale of (spoiler alert!) the Rebel Alliance defeating the Galactic Empire in grand, book-turning fashion.

Boop, beep-beep, boop. BOO-BEW!

The narrator does a good job of keeping the story going with his smooth, yet demonstrative voice. Sound effects are lifted directly from the film, as is the classic John Williams’ score. The movie stills were great to analyze as a kid (this was back when it was difficult to pause a VHS tape at the exact moment you wanted), but the REAL fun of this little 7” lies in the voice actors hired to portray the story’s main characters: Luke, Han & Leia. It became apparent early on in this read-along that the Luke Skywalker standing up to Jabba the Hut (original voice), was NOT the Luke you knew and loved. This was immediately jarring, but, like a child’s mind works, was quickly forgotten when Artoo-Detoo prompted:

Boop, beep-beep, boop. BOO-BEW!

Read-Along BackI’m ecstatic that I kept this little gem from my wonder years, but then again I keep EVERYTHING (much to the dismay of my GF and my parents). This book and record set is worth seeking out if only to chuckle at the stand-in voice acting cast.

Leia hugged him. “Come join us, my brave Jedi.” She led him back to their circle of friends – heroes together to the end.

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Empire Jazz – Produced and Arranged by Ron Carter

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empire-jazz-coverThe Galactic Empire, and all its personnel, get the dive-bar treatment in this junk induced, vodka-and-coke-spilling, dank, eye-burning, smoke-filled classic for the casual 1980 Contemporary Jazz fan in all of us. The very phrase “Contemporary Jazz” still freaks me out.

While listening to this record, I imagine myself sitting at Croce’s restaurant in San Diego, drinking a blue milk cocktail (a DOUBLE, why not?) while trying to make casual conversation with the person next to me, who is too busy scanning the room for someone more interesting to talk with. Very put together, and a bit too structured for my taste, Ron Carter and his (at that time) modern version of Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes use this album more as a vehicle to display their various talents (of which this album has many), rather than a stage in which to proclaim their love for Star Wars themed music. 90% straight-edge Contemporary Jazz and 10% Star Wars, Empire Jazz lacks the campy, not-taking-itself-too-seriously, classic lounge vibe that the Evil Genius Orchestra delivered in 1999’s Cocktails in the Cantina (AllMusic.com Review). It’s Contemporary Jazz all right, but this album misses the mark set by Meco in his 1977 classic, Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk; An album I misguidedly attributed Empire Jazz to mirror.

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empire-jazz-backRSO (Robert Stigwood Organisation) released this album in an attempt to appeal to the adult Star Wars fan, or so I gather. Empire Jazz, also known as RS-1-3085 is “also available in 8 track 8T-1-3085 and cassette CT-1-3085.” Too bad they couldn’t have worked TK-421 into their cataloging system, which would have been fun… a bit more fun than this album, I’m afraid.

The cover is, quite simply put, absolutely hilarious. It depicts Chewbacca doing his Thelonious Monk impersonation on the keys; C-3P0 working his well oiled, droid digits on the upright; R2-D2 using his electronic tentacles on the skins, which I buy, by the way; (I imagine R2 could rival Buddy Rich, if he’d ever lower himself to a challenge… R2, that is). And okay, I understand the idea of incorporating the “Empire” on the cover of an album called Empire Jazz, but on sax is a Stormtrooper… not too outlandish a notion, but I’d imagine it to be difficult playing a reed instrument WHILE WEARING A HELMET! And if that isn’t enough, the Sith Lord himself, Darth freakin’ Vader sits at an otherwise empty table with hands crossed, seemingly enthralled that a Wookiee had the patience to learn to play the piano.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Ronald Levin Carter has got talent. I mean, the man played with Miles Davis for crying out loud. It’s a finely executed album, just not exactly as kitschy as the cover suggests.

Current market value (as I type this) ranges from $2.94 in VG condition to $10.00 in NM condition (For Sale Here).

If you dig the Contemporary Jazz thing, consider this album. If you’re looking for Meco 2.0, you’re going to be disappointed.

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