Keeping Up With Grandma

Grandma Can DrinkChristmas is approaching faster than Grandma can down a double eggnog, so let’s not waste our precious head funnels on anything other than pristine audio bliss. The Fireside Carolers do a magnificent job of romanticizing some of the holiday’s best ear cocktails in that down-home, get the hell off my lawn kind of way. Decent enough for just about one spin on the ol’ turntable of love, Let’s All Sing our Christmas Favorites makes for fascinating background music, perfect for filling the empty walls when you and your loved ones are out making trouble with the neighborhood kids. What I’m saying is, although performed exceptionally well, these organ-supported band of carolers need to take a backseat when it comes to proper, more upbeat Christmas music. You catch my drift? No offense, Fireside Carolers. You’re good enough to knock Grandma out, although, much of the credit should be given to the bourbon. Cheers to the holidays, or as Grandma says, “Shiers totha hol-idssss.”

High Fidelity Recording Ultra-Phonic Sound Sleeve

Tops InsertTOPS Records, and their “High Fidelity Recording Ultra-Phonic Sound” don’t want your records to get cold, so they conveniently offer “this specially designed protective envelope.”

Without your knowing, the sleeveless records in your prolific collection have been coming down with the vinyl flu (it’s been going around). Thankfully, sobby noses and sleepless nights are a thing of the past with this futuristic record protector by TOPS Records.

Tops LogoYour records give you so much unconditional joy… give back. Keep them warm. Make sure each and every licorice disc is kept safe and secure with its own protective envelope from TOPS Records. TOPS Records… clothes for music.

New Miracle

BubbleThe word “miracle” seldom permeates from my vocabulary. I need not describe it, as I assume you understand the monumental weight of its meaning. So when I stumbled upon a 78 that describes a record using the word “miracle,” I instantly expected 1) to be granted the ability to fly, 2) for my student loans to disappear, or 3) some other supernormal impossibility. What I reluctantly found, however, was a misguided marketing ploy by Tops for Tots Records.

New MiracleTops for Tots Records was a “kiddie record” series released by Tops Records (formed in 1947, bankrupt and sold to Pickwick Records in 1963).  This short lived label promoted “unbreakable kiddie records” in the 7” format, but arrogantly threw around the word “miracle” as if it were handing out coupons for free belly dancing lessons. This “miracle” allows the contents of a 10” 78rpm record to exist as a 7” 78rpm record. That’s it. Much like this post, the expectation greatly exceeds the result.

This copy was owned by a woman named Linda, who was either very young, or never got around to learning the fundamentals of writing letters. I hope Linda enjoyed Around the World on a Bubble and Little Patriot Songs, and I fancy the notion that her little bubble wasn’t popped upon the harsh realization that this record in fact did not contain a miracle.