Shape Up

GreggainsNothing says, “wake your ass up, right here!” like Shape Up Aerobics with Joanie Greggians. Anytime is the proper time for bettering your body’s mind while laboring through therapy-based disco ballads… and dammit, I speak from experience!

Exercise is a muscle best flexed slowly, and with repetition. If you don’t believe me, just tune in to Joanie’s Morning Stretch TV Show. Lose those unsavory pounds in the comfort of your own home, thanks to Joanie Greggains and this 16-page instructional booklet. Your once unfulfilled evenings will be ripe with savory passion biscuits, courtesy of Joanie Greggains and her uncomfortable flexibility.

Aerobics Country Style, Y’all

ACSLadies and Gentlemen, dust off your boots, your cowboy hat, and your (red) neck bandana, because we all g’wan get fit up ‘round here!

This “basic program of Aerobic Dance and Exercise” is brought to you by Looking Good records, and is performed by J.D. Feelgood himself! This body-toning analog disc offers a Southern-fried, full-bodied, well-rounded and complete workout routine including Warm-Ups, a gradual Intensity section, and the ever so popular, Cool Down tracks.

Have you ever wondered how the cocktail waitresses at the hoedown always looked so fit? It’s because each of them subscribed to J.D. Feelgood and the Nashville All Stars and their good ‘ol Aerobics Country Style Aerobic Dance and Exercise record.

Don’t let the butter and biscuits get the better of you. Groove your way slim with Aerobics Country Style. Your Square Dance partner will thank you.

SLIMNASTICS

SlimSummer is swiftly approaching, and you know what that means. It’s time to abandon that pint of Chunky Monkey and drop those lingering “depression pounds” so you can become the best, superficial, objectified, shallow beach snob in all of Los Angeles County!

You’re probably asking yourself, “But how will I lose this row of bicycle tires in time to accept my crown as Big Kahuna of Venice Beach?” SLIMNASTICS is how. SLIMNASTICS is an ancient exercise technique of foolish looking, and ineffective body positions that you can struggle to achieve in the comfort of your own living room (with the lights off and all the shades drawn).

ManSLIMASTICS is designed by Dr. Charles A. Bucher, a guy famous for doing stuff (his resume is on the back sleeve in case you question his academic prodigiousness). With one side of the record devoted for men, and the other for women, Dr. Bucher engulfs your home stereo system and coaches you, step-by-step, on how to touch your toes and lift your arms. He’s offered a series of Picturegrams (I’m pretty sure ol’ Charlie made this word up) that oversimplify the insanely complex technique known as the push-up (among others).

WomanDig through your box of “To Goodwill” clothes and adorn those embarrassingly tight running shorts because Dr. Charles A. Bucher and his award-winning exercise program, SLIMNASTICS, are going to fool you into believing you can achieve social acceptance with a slim, new, beach-friendly body.

(The Prudent Groove is not responsible if you do not achieve social acceptance with your slim, new, beach-friendly body.)

Rope Jumping & Ball Handling

Rope Jumping CoverI’ll admit that I was a little deceived by the contents of this glorious record. For reasons unknown, I imagined this record to contain step-by-step instructions for jumping rope and handling balls. Instead, this record consists of nothing more than orchestrated versions of traditional children’s themes, such as Mary Had A Little Lamb and Did You Ever See A Lassie.

Stage 1: World Shattering Disappointment. Stage 2: Acceptance. Stage 3: Ridicule and Oversimplified Observation.

Henry 1What attracted me to this album, without question, was its cover. Go ahead… take another look. See that little boy? That’s Henry. Henry once lacked the basic hand-eye coordination required to return a bounced ball back to his ball bouncing hand. But no need to worry, as you see, Henry is getting better. Henry’s teacher, Ms. Schultz informed Mommy and Daddy Henry that the other kids were poking fun at their only son because he had difficulty handling his balls (soccer, tether, dodge, etc.). Ms. Schultz consoled a sobbing Mommy Henry and suggested a groundbreaking new technique sure to launch little Henry back into the 2nd grade social circle he secretly loathed and despised. That child-saving technique is the record, Rope Jumping & Ball Handling. Today, Henry is a professional ball handler, informing the world of his exceptional ball handling dexterity.

Henry 2According to the back cover, “rope Jumping is one of the oldest, least costly and best ways to further the physical development of boys and girls.” Swimming and running are far too expensive! Hey, Henry. Here’s a quarter. Go down to Five and Dime and get yourself a jump rope… and pick me up a pack of Pall Malls. Bring back the change.

If you ever wondered about the five beneficial attributes of jumping rope, today is your lucky day. The following is found, verbatim, on the back cover:

Correct movement skills in rope jumping are challenging, meaningful and contribute much to further the physical fitness and growth and development of children by:

1. Strengthening of arms and legs.

2. Increasing skill levels of jumping and timing.

3. Developing muscular coordination.

4. Increasing the efficiency of the cardio-vascular system.

5. Creating a desirable social balance achieved through the process of waiting for turns, achieving success and recognizing failure.

#5 is my favorite. Jumping Rope: Creating A Desirable Social Balance One Inept Child At A Time!